


Doctor Doctor Give Me The News

by thewalrus_said



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Welcome to Night Vale Setting, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 08:23:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8005585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewalrus_said/pseuds/thewalrus_said
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mayor Madeleine asked the new doctor, Joly, to come to the stage. He made his way slowly up the steps, a long silver cane in his hand, an unruly mop of brown hair shot with silver upon his head, and a minor cold residing in his sinuses, and listeners, I fell in love instantly.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, so did our station intern, Musichetta.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doctor Doctor Give Me The News

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to [RobinLorin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinLorin) for being the ultimate cheerleader.

_ Episode 1 Excerpt: _

Well, dear listeners, have I got a story for you today!

As you all know, Mayor Madeleine held a press conference today, the usual Tuesday afternoon press conference to declare that all is well in our fair city and we should absolutely  _ not _ be concerned about the blood slowly dripping out of the windows of every eatery within city limits. I mean, duh! What's scary about that?

But, dear listeners, after the mayor finished reassuring us that the blood was definitely not human blood and also definitely not real, he informed us that there is a new doctor in town! As you all know, we've been without a proper medical overseer since the last one failed to treat his own case of throat spiders. Mayor Madeleine asked the new doctor, Joly, to come to the stage. He made his way slowly up the steps, a long silver cane in his hand, an unruly mop of brown hair shot with silver upon his head, and a minor cold residing in his sinuses, and listeners, I fell in love instantly.

Unfortunately, so did our station intern, Musichetta.

Now, I know what you're thinking, listeners. "Bossuet, why don't you just let her go from her internship, sending her into abject poverty and forcing her to leave our fair city, thus removing all obstacles?" Well, that would not be a very nice thing to do! I'm a big proponent of fighting fairly. Besides, station interns report to station management, not me, so I have no real authority to make such a decision. No, we'll have to settle this the old-fashioned way: aggressive wooing, bloodstone circle sacrifices, and sabotaging the other party via strategic use of the Sheriff's secret police.

Oh! That was the other announcement the mayor made at the press conference. I was so distracted by our new doctor's perfect face, framed by a darling pair of horn-rimmed glasses, that I nearly forgot! Sheriff Javert has stepped down from his post, in order to devote all of his time and energy into pursuing his nemesis, notorious bread thief Jean Valjean. Now, listeners, we've all known for years that notorious bread thief Jean Valjean is none other than our own esteemed mayor, but it seems that none of us ever had the heart to tell Sheriff Javert that. I know I didn't. So, on behalf of everyone here at the station, I wish Javert the best of luck in his pursuit. The new Sheriff, a man named Bahorel, seems nice. Efficient, too! There's already a new member of the secret police stationed in my bathroom cabinet. His name is Feuilly, and he was very helpful when my sink started leaking.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Are you hungry? Are you hungry for food? Are you hungry for enriching conversation? Are you hungry for the silent judgement of your peers as you choose what to eat? Are you hungry for political change? If the latter, please say so into your nearest wall outlet, so the Sheriff's secret police can collect you for re-education. If, however, you picked any of the others, head on down to the Cafe Musain! Serving only the finest meals, company, and social pressure to the esteemed citizens of our fair city. Listeners of this show get a special half-off deal; simply say the words "the blood of angry men" to Madame Hucheloup, the proprietor, and she will remove half of your body, free of charge! The Cafe Musain: It's a Misdemeanor to Eat Anywhere Else!

\---

_ Episode 4 Excerpt: _

This has been traffic.

Now, listeners, some of you may remember the story of Joly, our city's newest doctor, and how both I and Musichetta, our station intern, fell in love at first sight. Well, I'm here to tell you that there have been several new developments on that front.

Firstly, and thank goodness, Musichetta and I have been able to maintain a professional working relationship. Prior to Joly's introduction to our lives, we had communicated mainly by staring at each other, occasionally snarling, even more occasionally smiling. I'm proud to report that we have continued in this vein! If anything, our communication has grown even better, as I have been obliged to buy her lunch several times so that we may continue staring at each other, occasionally snarling, even more occasionally smiling, without growing faint from hunger.

Second, and this is the most exciting part - Joly called me this morning! I didn't want to seem too eager, so I let it go to voicemail. Here, I'll play it for you. *beep*

_ Bossuet. It's Joly, the new doctor. I'm calling you because I've already called the mayor and Sheriff Bahorel, and neither of them will answer. I need you to tell your listeners to avoid wheat and wheat by-products like the plague, as they have all been turned into vicious, poisonous snakes. My clinic is overrun with unfortunate breakfast eaters. Again, please tell your listeners: Avoid wheat and wheat by-products! They are dangerous. _

Listeners, I don't know if you can tell from my voice, but just listening to this message again has me beaming. He called me! And everyone knows that if you really want to get in touch with a city official or member of the police force, you need to write your message in a mixture of dust and water across your southmost window, so he can't have been trying  _ that _ hard. He must have just really wanted to speak to me! Plus, now I know he's gluten-free, which is information that can only come in handy in the future.

Oh. Oh my. Listeners, I'm afraid to say that Musichetta has resorted to  _ dirty pool _ . I brought in bagels for the station yesterday, and there are still some left over in the break room. She has procured a leftover bagel, now a massive green serpent coiling around her arm, and she is making direct eye contact with me. She is lifting the bagel to her mouth. She has bitten into the bagel, and is now frothing at the mouth and convulsing on the floor. She needs to be taken to the clinic, I'm sad to say. Some people just can't handle the happiness of others.

While I deal with that, dear listeners, I take you now to the weather.

\--

_ Episode 12 Excerpt: _

More information on the rabid horde of numismatists currently attacking City Hall, as it develops.

Now, listeners, I have received many calls and letters, and one message tapped out in Morse Code on my window last night, asking for an update on the whole Doctor Joly situation.

First off - station intern Musichetta has now made a full recovery from her bagel incident a few months ago. Doctor Joly, along with his assistant, Nurse Combeferre, was able to stop the bleeding and drain the poison from her bloodstream, and she was able to transition off IV fluids and tube-feeding within a fortnight. She’s certainly a fighter, is our Musichetta.

Naturally, being the attentive boss that I am, I followed up with Doctor Joly about appropriate wound care and post-poisoning physical therapy. He gave me several pamphlets on the subject, and I have made sure Musichetta sticks to it like glue, listeners. I have to say, though - she’s a pretty poor patient. On more than one occasion I’ve had to make her dinner myself, and stare at her mouth to make sure she swallows it. Doctor Joly’s stopping by after the show to check on her progress - I polished my head this morning specially! Wish me luck!

\--

_ Episode 17 Excerpt: _

So that’s what you do should your toilet scrubber spontaneously transfigure itself into a live roc. This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Listeners, I have very exciting news! As some of you know, I was tragically forced to miss last week’s broadcast due to an unfortunate incident with a bicyclist, myself, and the street curb outside the Cafe Musain. Nurse Combeferre was able to patch me up, but I had to spend the night in the clinic. Musichetta, being a dutiful intern, naturally slept the night in a chair at my bedside, and was the first to sign my cast. She drew a beautiful bouquet of flowers on there, complete with real live aphids! Those are so hard to come by out of season, too.

That’s not the exciting news, however. The next morning, Doctor Joly himself came to see me! He signed my cast as well, walked me to my car (which had been delivered to the clinic by dutiful intern Musichetta, who naturally has copies of all of my keys), and even gave me his business card if I have questions! Who knew breaking your wrist could be so romantic?

\--

_ Episode 25 Excerpt 1: _

Well, listeners, today’s the big day! Today is the day that the astrologer present at my birth foretold that I would find true happiness! Specifically, today is my twenty-[static] birthday. I came into the studio today to find that Intern Musichetta arranged for a big brunch spread to celebrate. Unfortunately, all the muffins, bagels, and French toast transformed into piles of venomous snakes that we were then forced to corral and neutralize, but the thought was very sweet!

As for true happiness - well, I certainly know what I’m hoping that means! I’ll keep you posted, dear listeners, as matters develop.

\--

_ Episode 25 Excerpt 2: _

This has been the Community Calendar.

Listeners, while that was playing, two exciting things occurred! The first is that a stray muffin somehow managed to evade our nets and gloves this morning, and caused some commotion in the women’s restroom, but Musichetta was able to wrestle it into submission, thankfully without being bitten. The muffin is now in a spare aquarium we had in our staff lounge, and will be transferred to the Night Vale Adoption Center on Monday.

The second thing is that Doctor Joly sent me a birthday present! It arrived by courier just a few seconds ago, and is contained in a long, flat envelope. I’m opening it now.

Okay, listeners, it looks like Doctor Joly has sent me a card and a pamphlet! How sweet. I’ll open the card first.

_ Bossuet - _

_ Read this and meet me at the Arby’s. I’ll be in the parking lot. Bring Musichetta. _

_ Happy birthday, _

_ Doctor Joly _

Well, this is certainly exciting! And now, the pamphlet - ‘Healthy Polyamory and You.’

Oh.

Oh, dear listeners, this is - oh my. This - wow. Listeners, I’m going to have to send you now to the weather.

\--

_ Episode 56 Excerpt: _

Hello, dear listeners! We’ve got some very interesting news today! First, though, a personal milestone: It has been three months since Doctor Joly, former station intern Musichetta, and myself all moved in together, after a little over a year of dating. I promised you all a status update, and can now tell you that things have been going swimmingly!

Now, onto the news. I’m sure you’re all dying to know about the mysterious graffiti that has gone up overnight, depicting the fall of ancient civilizations, the burning out of the sun, and the best way to properly scramble eggs. Well, I’m curious too, and sent current station intern Grantaire to find Night Vale’s own revolutionary, Enjolras, who lives beneath the floorboards of the Cafe Musain. I’m sure that everything will go well with that meeting, and I’ll report back to you just as soon as Grantaire returns.

_ End transcripts. _


End file.
